Feeling Safe – It’s Not an Optional Extra: Prioritising Your Safety in Infant Feeding as aNeurodivergent Parent
- Jo Rogers
- Jun 27
- 12 min read

If you’re a neurodivergent (ND) parent navigating infant feeding, your experience and comfort matter. The way care is typically provided doesn’t always account for the unique needs of ND people, and it can feel frustrating, isolating, or even harmful when support isn’t tailored for you.
I know this firsthand—I’m an AuDHD, physically disabled parent of twins, and against the odds, I breastfed them until they were three years old. Throughout my perinatal and breastfeeding journey, I faced medical prejudice, inadequate support, and systemic barriers. But I also encountered life-changing, compassionate care, and that made a difference.
Now, after 25 years of supporting parents through complementary therapy, Spiritual Companionship, infant feeding, birth and parenting support, I want to do all I can to help you feel safe, seen, and supported—because nurturing your baby should never come at the cost of your well-being.
Understanding ND Identity & Feeding Challenges
Not all ND parents have a diagnosis—you might not even have considered the possibility that you’re ND. Many of us have spent our lives feeling ‘weird’ or struggling to meet societal expectations. You may have been labelled lazy, overly sensitive, or difficult. You may even have been diagnosed with psychiatric conditions that actually stemmed from undiagnosed neurodivergence.
Self-diagnosis is valid, and many ND adults—especially women and gender-diverse folks—go undiagnosed due to outdated understandings of autism, ADHD and other neurodivergences. That doesn’t make your experience any less real.
ND people can experience feeding differently, and not all solutions that work for neurotypical (NT) parents will work for you. You might face challenges that professionals don’t understand. You might experience sensory sensitivities, executive function struggles, anxiety, communication differences, or a deep need for routine that conflicts with responsive feeding.
But ND parents also bring incredible strengths to feeding and parenting. Your attention to detail might help you notice subtle feeding cues that others miss. Your pattern recognition skills could help you identify what works and what doesn't more quickly than expected. If infant feeding becomes a special interest, you may develop expertise that equals the people supporting you. Your lived experience with sensory needs makes you naturally attuned to your baby's comfort. Many ND parents become fierce advocates for their children, drawing on their own experiences of navigating systems that weren't built for them. Understanding your own neurodivergence can help you recognise these strengths to make feeding work for you. When you find your rhythm, the intensity with which you can connect and attune to your baby can be profound.
You Have a Right to Safety in Your Feeding Journey
Many ND parents feel pressured to adjust to a system that wasn’t built for them—but you do not have to fit yourself into a rigid model of parenting that doesn’t serve you. Feeling safe in your feeding journey is essential. That means recognising your needs, advocating for support that works, and making adjustments to protect your well-being.
Emotional Safety
You deserve to feel respected, accepted, and understood—not just as an ND parent but as your full self, including your gender identity, beliefs, and personal challenges.
Breastfeeding, chestfeeding, or bodyfeeding has been shown to reduce postnatal depression risks when properly supported. It can help regulate emotions—for both you and your baby—but it might not, and that’s okay. If feeding direct from your body is overwhelming for you a sensitive approach to alternative feeding methods is just as valid.
Sensory Safety
Your sensory environment plays a huge role in how comfortable feeding feels. You might need minimal visual clutter, low lighting, or reduced noise. You might find specific seating like a birthing ball or soft chair helpful to regulate sensory input. Flexibility to move around while feeding rather than feeling trapped in one position may be the key to a successful feed for you and your baby. I found distraction techniques such as reading or mobile phone gaming really helpful, but often felt judged for not gazing lovingly into my baby’s eyes like all the books said I should.
E, a neurodivergent parent, captures this experience vividly:
“The phrase ‘Touched out’ doesn't even begin to describe the unbearable sensory overload of a baby feeding round the clock. Learning now that ADHD traits magnify with postpartum hormones makes so much sense. The guilt for feeling that way, coupled with the sensitivity towards the notion of failure, just makes it worse.”
K shared with me her experience with sensory overwhelm and emotional challenges in the postnatal period:
“I couldn’t stand how my boobs felt with milk coming out of them. When my baby was using screaming to communicate his needs, I needed someone to show me how to calm him before feeding—because trying to smoosh a screaming baby on a breast just doesn’t work. I often interpreted this as rejection. My rejection sensitivities (RSD) were really activated and heightened during those feeding challenges.”
If feeding triggers sensory overload, that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it gives you more information about your preferences and allows you to make changes that protect your wellbeing. Meltdowns and shutdowns can happen when input becomes overwhelming. When this happens, try not to judge yourself too harshly—both you and your baby are learning. Adjusting the environment to lower sensory load can help make feeding more sustainable.
Pain & Sensory Processing Differences
Feeding may feel different for you even when a supporter says the latch looks “perfect.” This could be due to a dulled pain response, meaning you might not notice damage until it's severe. Or you might experience heightened sensitivity, making even gentle touches feel intense. Sometimes placing extra clothing layers between you and your baby can help mitigate this. Temperature shifts, such as your baby’s body heat or room temperature changes, may affect your comfort. I remember feeling intensely uncomfortable feeding my babies, and looking back I now know it was because I was feeding twins in July, trying to maximise my milk supply with lots of skin-to-skin contact. I was baking, sweaty, sticky – you get the idea. I found a small fan clipped to the shelves behind me, aimed at the back of my neck and shoulders, incredibly helpful. It gave me somewhere to focus that was cool and made the whole thing more tolerable. Your experience is valid. If something feels wrong - even when professionals insist it "shouldn’t hurt" - trust your instincts. Give yourself permission to explore creative adaptations, even if they seem unusual or unconventional to others. What matters most is that feeding feels manageable and sustainable for you.

Physical Challenges
Beyond sensory differences, many ND people also experience physical challenges that aren’t always visible. One common co-occurring condition is hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), a connective tissue disorder that causes joint instability, pain, fatigue, and soft tissue injuries. It’s significantly more prevalent among autistic and ADHD individuals than in the general population.Feeding a baby when you live with chronic pain, hypermobility, or fatigue presents unique difficulties. Holding your baby in one position for too long may exacerbate joint pain or trigger dislocations. You may need additional support such as extra pillows, slings, or specialised feeding cushions to help stabilise your body and reduce strain. Feeding while in an upright but more reclined position (with your back supported and feet up) can sometimes offer relief, and mastering feeding lying down can be helpful especially during night feeds. Recognising and accommodating physical needs like these is not a luxury—it’s essential care. If you're in pain, or if your joints are unstable, you're not failing. You're managing a complex condition while also feeding your baby, and that deserves recognition and tailored support.
There is also the possible complexity of medication. If you take medicines for your ADHD or any other health condition, It is worth having a chat with the lovely folks at the Drugs in Breastmilk service that is provided by the Breastfeeding Network. They are often more up to date with medication than your GP is and they are happy to work collaboratively with other healthcare professionals to find a sustainable option for you.
Physical challenges are just one aspect of the complex needs ND parents may face. Executive function difficulties can make the logistical side of feeding equally overwhelming.
Executive Function & Feeding Logistics
If you struggle with executive function, simple tasks can become mountain-sized challenges when your brain is already at capacity. There are usually more appointments to juggle, as well as the daily tasks associated with keeping a new human happy and healthy. The good news is that if things are going well with feeding, ditching the schedules and feeding responsively can mitigate the struggle of remembering timed feeds. Feeding from both breasts at every feed means you don’t really have to remember which one you fed from last. As long as you’re feeding your baby when they cue you to, and you have at least 10-12 feeds in 24 hours, you can relax into finding a rhythm that works for both of you without worrying about expressing or storing milk in the early days.
If things aren’t going as smoothly as you’d hoped, it is ok to ask for help, and the sooner you do so, the better. It’s not uncommon in the early days to need a bit of extra support, especially with maternity care under the pressure that it is. Expressing milk frequently is important to protect your milk supply if you’re experiencing breastfeeding challenges, but this requires some planning, scheduling, and cleaning. It can also present sensory challenges—the noise and sensation of the pump can be overwhelming. Hand pumps are hard work for frequent expressing but might make the sensory environment more tolerable. Hand expressing can be an option but may not be physically sustainable long term. If you find complex feeding setups difficult, simplifying is okay. Feeding choices need to work for both you and your baby—not just in theory, but in real, sustainable ways.
Sometimes healthcare providers recommend 'triple feeding'—this means feeding your baby directly, then pumping milk, then giving additional milk through a bottle or tube. The goal is to protect your milk supply while ensuring your baby gets enough nutrition. But managing all three steps, especially repeatedly throughout the day, can push executive function struggles to breaking point. Extra support can help so you don’t have to keep track of the bottle washing and sterilising, or maybe someone could be feeding the additional milk while you pump so you have some time to decompress from the sensory input.
Supplemental nursing systems (SNS)—thin tubes that deliver extra milk while your baby feeds at your breast—can help maintain breastfeeding while ensuring adequate nutrition. However, they require tape on your skin and precise positioning, which can create sensory challenges. The tubes can also feel fiddly to manage, and some babies resist the unfamiliar sensation. It can be beneficial though, facilitating bonding and increasing the amount of time your baby spends at the breast which can be protective of your milk supply and your baby's microbiome.
Routine vs. Responsive Feeding
Many autistic parents may rely on routine, which can feel in conflict with responsive feeding. If interruptions stress you out, working towards structured predictability can help. If you focus on noticing your baby’s feeding patterns you can begin building those into your routine so that cues during that period are expected.
Beyond timing challenges, many ND parents also face communication barriers when seeking support.
Communication & Processing Time
ND parents may process information differently and might need adjustments to ensure they have all the data required to make informed decisions. Some things I found helpful were clear, literal instructions without vague statements, and written notes as well as verbal information. Remember that you’re allowed to record your support sessions if taking notes by hand isn’t helpful. You should also be given time to absorb information before responding and should feel free to ask supporters about follow-ups in case a question takes time to form. I know that I often had questions several hours or even days later that I wished I had asked at the time. It might help to ask your support team if they can offer alternate communication methods, including text-based options. I find phone calls can be overwhelming if I am already at the top of my capacity.
Clear communication becomes even more critical when it comes to your bodily autonomy and consent during feeding support.
Consent & Autonomy in Feeding Support
ND people often mask discomfort, even when it’s significant. If feeding support involves any touch, which would be unusual as most providers work in a very hands-off way, it’s vital that your consent is explicitly given—every time. Ensure your care providers use clear and direct language, avoiding euphemisms that may create ambiguity. It may help to have an additional supporter with you who checks in frequently to ensure you’re truly comfortable.

Knowledge & Advocacy
If infant feeding is a special interest for you, you may have lots of knowledge, possibly more up-to-date than the health professionals supporting you. That doesn’t mean you won’t need help applying this knowledge practically when you’re deep in the experience of parenting. I had been an infant feeding supporter for many years when I had my twins, and although I had the information, I just didn’t have the energy or perspective to apply it to myself.
You may feel very strongly about avoiding formula, especially if you think in binaries (human milk = good, formula = bad). If supplementation is needed, conversations must be handled sensitively—validating your concerns rather than dismissing them and respecting your wishes as much as possible. If compromises are necessary, supporters should ensure they’re only implemented for as long as absolutely needed.
Anxiety & Feeding Observations
Being watched at any time can feel uncomfortable, and being observed while feeding can feel unbearable. This can cause meltdowns, shutdowns, or regressions in feeding skills due to stress. Even as a seasoned feeding supporter myself, I felt nervous when being observed by lactation colleagues—which shows how vulnerable feeding can feel, especially when you're supposed to know what you're doing! If feeding support feels intrusive for you, continuity of carer is vital. A trusted provider reduces anxiety and builds feelings of trust and safety. You could also try accessing skilled telephone or text-based support from the National Breastfeeding Helpline.
Creating truly safe feeding support also means ensuring your full identity is respected and affirmed.
Inclusivity & Gender Identity
The ND community has high LGBTQIA+ representation. If you are a gender-diverse parent, your identity must be respected. Organisations like The Queer Parenting Partnership offer excellent resources.
While identity affirmation is crucial in all feeding contexts, some situations present additional layers of complexity and stress.
Navigating the NICU
NICU stays can be an overwhelming experience for ND parents. The bright lights, constant noise, rigid protocols, and sheer emotional intensity of having a baby in the unit can be especially challenging. Sensory overload in this kind of environment is real, and it’s important to find ways to reduce stress—dimming lights, using noise-cancelling headphones, or ensuring that support comes in clear, structured ways. Many NICUs have extra support that you can access, whether that is from health professionals or peer support workers.
Additional Complexities: Demand Avoidance & Face Blindness
If you have a demand-sensitive profile, infant care can feel like a constant wave of demands that push against your instincts. Even something as necessary as feeding can feel unbearable if framed in a way that triggers avoidance. Strategies that work in other areas of life may need adapting—approaching care on your terms, with flexibility, can be key.
Prosopagnosia, or face blindness, can affect early bonding with your baby. You might struggle to recognise familiar faces, including your child’s, which can be confusing and emotionally complicated in the early days. Bonding may take extra time or involve using cues other than facial recognition—smell, voice, or even the feel of your baby against your skin.
When your baby may also be ND
Neurodivergence has a strong genetic component, making it likely your baby may be ND too. ND infants are more likely to experience feeding difficulties themselves. Low muscle tone, coordination struggles, and sensory sensitivities can make latch and sucking more challenging. If feeding feels complicated, it’s not because you’re doing something wrong—it’s because your baby may have additional needs that require a different approach. Finding professionals who truly understand ND-friendly support can make all the difference.
Mental Health and trauma-informed care
Many ND parents navigate PTSD, depression, and anxiety—sometimes as a result of years of masking, medical trauma, or simply the challenge of parenting in a world that wasn’t built with you in mind. The emotional weight of caring for a baby, combined with these existing struggles, can make things even harder. Support needs to go beyond surface-level well-being checklists—it has to be truly accessible, neurodivergent-friendly, and compassionate. Too often, mental health care for ND parents misses the mark, assuming neurotypical responses or offering solutions that don’t work in practice. You deserve care that actually understands the way your brain works and honours the experiences you bring to parenting.
You Deserve Support That Works for You
Recognising these complex, intersecting needs makes the need for well-informed support clear - you should never have to contort yourself to fit into a neurotypical model of care. Your safety is not a luxury—it’s a baseline. You have a right to infant feeding support that’s informed, affirming, and built for you.
Resources for Neurodivergent Parents
Feeding Support
National Breastfeeding Helpline - 0300 100 0212Skilled telephone and text-based support for all feeding questions. Available 9:30am-9:30pm daily.
Association of Breastfeeding Mothers (ABM)www.abm.me.ukVolunteer-led support with local groups and online forums.
La Leche League GBwww.laleche.org.ukMother-to-mother support meetings and resources.
Neurodivergent Identity & Support
National Autistic Societywww.autism.org.ukInformation, support, and advocacy for autistic people and families.
ADHD Foundationwww.adhdfoundation.org.ukResources and support for people with ADHD and their families.
Ambitious about Autismwww.ambitiousaboutautism.org.ukServices and support for autistic children, young people, and families.
LGBTQIA+ Parenting
The Queer Parenting Partnershipwww.queerparenting.orgResources specifically for LGBTQIA+ parents and families.
Stonewallwww.stonewall.org.ukIncludes resources on LGBTQIA+ parenting and family support.
Physical Health & Chronic Conditions
Ehlers-Danlos Support UKwww.ehlers-danlos.orgInformation and support for people with Ehlers-Danlos syndromes.
Chronic Illness Inclusion ProjectSocial media community supporting chronically ill and disabled parents.
Mental Health & Trauma Support
Mindwww.mind.org.uk - 0300 123 3393Mental health information and support, including perinatal mental health resources.
Maternal Mental Health Alliancewww.mmhalliance.orgCampaigning for better perinatal mental health support.
Birth Trauma Associationwww.birthtraumaassociation.org.ukSupport for parents affected by birth trauma.
NICU Support
Blisswww.bliss.org.ukThe UK's leading charity supporting babies born premature or sick and their families.
Miracle Babieswww.miraclebabies.org.ukSupport for families with babies in neonatal care.
Online Communities
The Autism Parenting Community (Facebook)Supportive community for autistic parents and parents of autistic children.
ND Parents Support Network (various platforms)Search for local and online groups supporting neurodivergent parents.
Emergency Support
Samaritans - 116 123 (free, 24/7)Confidential emotional support for anyone in distress.
Crisis Text Line - Text SHOUT to 85258Free, confidential support via text message.
Remember: You deserve support that understands your unique needs. Don't settle for care that doesn't work for you.
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